


What I Did For Love

by bowandaero



Category: Persona 2
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Skating, Angst, Canon Gay Relationship, Childhood Friends, Drama, Fame, Friends to Lovers, Ice Skating, M/M, Rumors
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-04
Updated: 2020-10-05
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:01:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,301
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26804791
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bowandaero/pseuds/bowandaero
Summary: Pro skaters Jun Kurosu and Tatsuya Suou return to the ice after a disastrous prior season. Both dream of being the best in Japan, but only one can take first place at the national championships.
Relationships: Kurosu Jun/Suou Tatsuya
Comments: 2
Kudos: 16





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> It’s been a while since I posted this for the P2 Exchange but here's a new and improved version of the fic! I fixed some research failures, added some scenes and improved others, etc. Thank you everybody who beta read and offered suggestions. I really liked this assignment and I hope you enjoy.

**The Japan Figure Skating Championships**  
**December 24th, 1999. Papio Ice Arena. Fukuoka City, Fukuoka.**

  
_“Number two: Tatsuya Suou-san.”_

“Good luck, Chinyan!”

A single scream rose above the cheers of excitement as Tatsuya took to the ice. Jun cringed a little, but was still pleased to know Tatsuya’s biggest fan had made it here after all.

“I just can’t get over Tatsuya-kun’s costume,” Coach Maya said, shaking her head with a smile. “It’s so… _bright_.”

“It’s what the dancers wear at the finale of the musical,” Jun explained. “Or what it was inspired by, anyway.”

“Uh-huh, right—so you’re saying you don’t disagree?”

“He looks good in gold,” Jun insisted. But it _was_ a little bright.

Tatsuya had assumed his starting position while waiting for the music to start: head down, legs crossed, one hand up as if holding the brim of a hat. Jun wondered if Tatsuya had finally gotten his nerves under control compared to an hour ago—he didn’t show any signs of it out on the ice, but then again he rarely did.

Tatsuya lifted his head as the first somber notes of “What I Did For Love” began to play. 

Two autumns ago, Jun remembered Coach Yukino entering their gym and pulling Tatsuya into the hallway with urgency. Tatsuya returned a few minutes later with a grim expression on his face.

“What happened?” Jun demanded.

“It's Anna.” Tatsuya was throwing his belongings haphazardly back into his bag. “She got into a bad accident this morning. My parents are giving me permission to go see her—will you come with me?”

Jun nodded the affirmative.

Anna Yoshizaka had always been more Tatsuya’s friend than Jun’s, but all three of them had spent their childhoods together at Sumaru Skate Club. The press at the time liked to call her Japan’s 'Rising Starlet on Ice': she’d already medaled in international competition multiple times since her senior debut, and had been mere months away from representing Japan at the Olympics, held that year in Nagoya.

Knowing all that Anna might have accomplished was exactly what made it so awful to see her lying there brokenly in a hospital room bed. 

“We're here, Anna.” Tatsuya edged closer, probably wondering what meaningful condolences he could possibly make. “Um—how are you feeling?”

It seemed the anaesthesia was still wearing off from the emergency surgery they'd performed on Anna's leg. She kept staring down at the I.V. stuck in her arm, expression hollow, like she just couldn’t make sense of it.

“How do you think?” Anna's voice was no more than a croak. “I’m fucked.”

The world truly seemed to end that day. Anna was told by her doctors that she would need months of recuperation and physical therapy, that she’d probably be in pain for the rest of her life, and was advised to never return to the ice, much less to competition. Worse yet, according to police, the culprit behind the hit-and-run had vanished without a trace.

Once the story made the news, Anna’s accident would go on to shake the skating community to its core. All skaters knew that their careers would end some day, of course, but what if that day came for them as abruptly as it had for Anna? How could all the strain and turmoil be worth it if catastrophe could come for them in an instant? What was there left to believe in?

While Tatsuya had clearly struggled with these questions all last year, today it felt that he’d finally found his answer. Jun applauded for him after his first jump—a perfectly good quadruple toe—but it was his following combination jump, a triple axel and triple toe, that had such good flow even the crowd could feel it.

_Kiss today goodbye_  
_The sweetness and the sorrow_  
_Wish me luck, the same to you_  
_But I can't regret_  
_What I did for love, what I did for love_

The flying camel that came next wasn’t quite perfect, but then the following step sequence, reminiscent of line dancing, had the whole crowd swooning.

_Look, my eyes are dry_  
_The gift was ours to borrow_  
_It's as if we always knew_  
_And I won't forget what I did for love_  
_What I did for love_

The longer Tatsuya’s performance went on, the more Jun felt his _own_ anxiety getting to him. Watching Tatsuya skate at competition brought Jun mixed feelings nowadays, as his once thrilling successes now brought him dread as well.

_Kiss today goodbye_  
_And point me toward tomorrow_  
_We did what we had to do_  
_Won't forget, can't regret_  
_What I did for love_

Tatsuya’s skate ended a minute later with a combination spin and a sweep of his imaginary hat. It was such a good performance overall that it had Jun weighing his odds—he was certain that Tatsuya would receive very good marks, which didn’t leave Jun much room to surpass him, but it was the free skate tomorrow that would be weighted more heavily. He should still be able to outdo him, but if he were to make any major errors, either today or tomorrow…

“Jun-kun,” Maya whispered urgently. “Don’t wait for his scores, you need to go get ready!”

There was no denying that she was right. Jun rushed to the locker room with cheers still ongoing.

Fifteen minutes later found Jun fully dressed but so overcome by anxiety he was hunched over a sink, gagging. He heard the door squeak open behind him and was ready to be deeply embarrassed to be found in such a state, but it turned out to be only Tatsuya.

Somehow, that was worse.

“You should go ahead and puke if you can,” Tatsuya advised him gently. “You’ll feel better afterward.”

"Can't." Jun shook his head miserably. “Can't get it on the costume.”

“Oh. Fair point.”

The nausea was passing in favor of an icy chill anyway, so Jun wiped the saliva from his mouth and straightened back up. He looked at Tatsuya via the mirror and tried to make himself look a little less unhinged than he felt.

“How’d you do?”

“Is that what really matters right now?”

Tatsuya sometimes seemed to forget that Jun was still his competition—though Jun could never bring himself to tell him off for it. In reality, Jun depended on Tatsuya’s reassurance more often than he wanted to admit.

“I’ll be fine.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

Tatsuya sighed. He seemed to realize he wasn’t going to get an honest answer, so he tried for a different route.

“Would a hug make you feel any better?”

Jun frowned at him.

“I might throw up on you.”

“I’ll live.”

The funny thing was that while Jun had allegedly been dating Tatsuya since spring, skating together was still the most intimate thing they usually managed. This meant that Jun wasn’t about to say no to Tatsuya’s offer, even if it meant unwisely abandoning his sink.

“Fine, you win.”

Tatsuya came to wrap his arms around him and Jun did the same, determined to ignore the ensuing smell of sweat. They clung each other for at least a minute before Jun broke the silence.

“Thank you, Tatsuya. Did you come straight here to find me?”

“Yeah, I knew you’d be stressing out. Or would be, once you found out all my marks were five-eights.”

“Now you tell me,” Jun snorted. It would’ve been nice to stay like this for an eternity, but he forced himself to remember they were pressed for time. “We’d better go now.”

“Right.”

A fresh wave of dread washed over Jun as he pushed open the doors to the arena and his senses were overwhelmed again by the roaring crowd and harsh lights. Maya accosted Jun halfway to the boards.

_“Jun-kun, where the heck—?”_

Tatsuya came up behind Jun and gave Maya a little wave before going to take a seat.

“He was giving me a pep talk,” Jun explained hastily. Sort of.

Maya exhaled through her nose, calming herself.

“It’s alright. It just would've been nice to know what the hold up was.”

"Sorry."

Maya accompanied Jun to the rink and held on to his jacket and blade guards when he removed them.

“Are you ready?”

“Not especially,” Jun mumbled.

“Nobody ever is,” said Maya wisely. “But I trust you know what to do—just go out there and get it done, okay?”

The announcer’s voice returned.

_“Number six: Jun Kurosu-san.”_

“Go get ‘em,” Maya whispered.

Jun took one last big breath before skating off, lifting his hand to acknowledge the cheers from the audience. As expected for someone who’d come in third at the previous year’s competition, his applause was some of the loudest—just not as loud as Tatsuya’s.

  
  
Jun had first met Tatsuya at Sumaru Skate Club when they were four and five respectively. Junko Kurosu—Jun’s mother—had been a figure skater herself, but after having retired early due to pregnancy, she'd been hungry to get her son started down the same path. Jun's teachers claimed to see enormous talent in him, though to be honest, Jun started out much more interested in making new friends.

Tatsuya didn’t come from a long line of skaters like Jun did, but he too had talent, and the necessary drive and financial support, and that was really all that mattered. Anna, Jun and Tatsuya all quickly became the darlings of the skate club, but it was Tatsuya and Jun who became best friends both on and off the ice, conquering many of their milestones side by side.

As the boys prepared for competition in the junior division, they both bought the same equipment, rented the same rinks, shared the same classes and even many of the same coaches. Naturally their abilities also developed in tandem, and everyone was always comparing them to one another. Jun’s mother seemed to think this was a bad thing—a world class skater’s goal, of course, was to be _incomparable_ —but back then Jun just couldn’t see the issue. Whether he developed a little faster or fell a little behind, he knew Tatsuya would always be there as his best friend and rival in one.

Around the time the boys reached puberty, however, it became apparent that their skating careers would not stay in parallel forever. In Tatsuya’s case, he suffered through a series of growth spurts that made his jumps terribly inconsistent—his programs were of a lower technical difficulty to this day because of it. In Jun’s case, his coaches forced him heavily into ballet, seeking to cultivate an image of elegance that would complement his looks. Naturally, such recommendations didn’t sit well with either of them: Tatsuya kept pushing himself to the point of recklessness, and Jun was bored by such a traditional path in improving his aesthetics. Their coaches compromised on some things but stuck their heels in on others, and so a rift began to form.

Virtually all of Jun and Tatsuya’s teenage years had been consumed by the ice. They’d already taken home medal after medal in various junior competitions before making their senior debut, and that was when they started to win against much more experienced competitors, too. It was during this time of transition that they befriended Lisa Silverman, an idol who took dance classes with them, and Eikichi Mishina, a musician who attended Jun’s private school.

And then Anna’s accident happened, which both the news and tabloids endlessly preyed upon. They greatly exaggerated Tatsuya and Jun’s roles in Anna’s life, hounded them both about her in interviews, and even spread rumors of a love triangle going on between them. (“If only they knew,” Anna had said dryly, as her accident had left her with much more leisure time to spend with her girlfriend.) The stress certainly wasn’t easy for Jun to deal with, but it was Tatsuya who seemed to get swallowed up by it last year, his spirit so crushed that he'd barely made the podium at the Kanto Regional Championship. This would have been bad enough if it weren't for Tatsuya falling spectacularly later on at Eastern Sectionals.

Jun was beside himself as he watched Tatsuya collide with the ice. He was able to force himself to get up and continue, at least, but mentally speaking they were _both_ finished: Jun and Tatsuya had ended up taking eighth and ninth place respectively—the worst performance of their careers—and now Tatsuya had not even qualified to advance to the Japan Figure Skating Championships, ironically to be held in their hometown of Sumaru that year.

As expected, the media blew up the story of the so-called 'Sumaru Trio' into something even bigger than before. By the time Jun took home his bronze medal, even knowing he was one of the nation's best wasn’t enough to keep the taste of defeat out of his mouth.

There was a party afterwards—which he honestly didn't care for even under the best of circumstances—but then Tatsuya had come to take him aside and confess that he’d thought about quitting.

“Don’t even say it.” Jun’s jaw was clenched. “That’s not Anna what would want and you know it.”

“This isn’t about Anna.”

“Yes it is, you know it is. _Everything_ we've been through this year has been—”

“Just listen to me,” Tatsuya pleaded. “It’s not that I’m worried I’ll be next to get my leg crushed, if that’s what you think. It’s just that almost every day lately, I keep asking myself if this is really what I want to be doing.”

Jun willed himself not to interrupt a second time.

“I know, I know the media attention won't last forever. But you know why I wanted to do this originally, right? It was my brother—he started too late and never got anywhere with it. I only started because he taught me to love it too, but then you were the reason I continued, and that’s what led me to where I am now. But...”

Tatsuya rubbed his hand over his face.

“It’s hard not to want out at this point. Think about all the parts of life we've already had to miss out on—all the stuff we might've been happier doing, you know? Don’t you ever have the same thoughts?”

“Yes,” Jun admitted. “Sometimes.”

“So you understand?” Tatsuya seemed relieved to hear this at least. “You’ve thought about how trapped we are?”

“I didn't say we were trapped. As hard as this is, I'd still rather live for ice skating than to have nothing.”

Tatsuya looked at Jun despairingly. Jun sighed.

“That’s the reason you want to quit, then? You think you should just—stop doing something you love, just because you didn’t choose it for yourself?”

“If you don't think I should quit, then what _should_ I do?"”

Jun clenched the balcony rail and looked upward at the light polluted sky. If he was looking for guidance from the stars then it seemed unlikely he would find any.

“Give it another year, Tatsuya,” Jun decided to say, shaking. “I know it’s all too much right now, but I bet you’ll feel differently if you start winning again. And whatever you decide to do by then, I’ll support your decision.”

Tatsuya went home after that, leaving Jun to go to bed that night feeling distraught. Jun had always found himself fortunate to be doing something he truly loved, _with_ someone he loved, even if in the back of his head he always knew he had no choice. On the contrary, he’d always fancied the idea of fate having brought Tatsuya and him together, but now he understood that Tatsuya must have seen things from a very different perspective.

And maybe Tatsuya was right to think that way. Maybe the path of their lives had been predetermined, and maybe they'd never have a say in the matter. Maybe nobody ever did.

The song selected for Jun’s short program this year was “Written In The Stars,” from an American musical about two star-crossed lovers, Aida. Jun was dressed up in white with gold decorations, like he imagined Radames might be, but he couldn’t help thinking Tatsuya would’ve been a better fit for the role.

_Is it written in the stars_  
_Are we paying for some crime_  
_Is that all that we are good for_  
_Just a stretch of mortal time_

Jun had done well with his program so far, but there was still a minute and a half to go. Anything might happen. 

_For some god's experiment_  
_In which we have no say_  
_In which we're given paradise_  
_But only for a day_

The last jump of Jun’s program was a quadruple salchow—it wasn’t his strongest jump, but he and Coach Maya had agreed on it to help him secure first place. He built up speed and aligned himself just right, then trusted his body to take care of the rest.

This turned out to be a mistake. Jun was almost certain that he’d failed to get four full rotations in before landing, but then again he always saw the worst in his own performances. As per usual, he told himself to act like nothing happened and just hope the judges wouldn’t call it.

Next was his combination spin, a step sequence, then a flying sit spin. All were beautiful and perfect, but even as the audience clapped with approval, all Jun could think about was his failed jump.

 _What the audience thinks doesn’t matter,_ Jun reminded himself dimly. This was a lesson he'd internalized as far back as his junior competition days. _In the end, it only matters what the judges decide._

“Jun-kun, that was amazing!”

Maya was grinning with sheer delight as Jun left the rink while it was still being pelted with flowers from his fans.

“My quad—” Jun began, but Maya hushed him as she gave back his blade guards.

“I’ll critique you later—let’s just find out how you scored, okay?”

Maya steered Jun over to the kiss and cry. Sweepers arrived to deliver Jun’s flowers—he’d mentioned his interest in hanakotoba in an interview once, so naturally his fans had been gifting him far too many of them ever since—and then there was nothing more to do than sit and await judgement.

Apparently even the judges couldn’t come to a consensus about whether Jun had cheated his quad, so they’d all scored him anywhere between a five-six and five-nine for his required elements. Their feelings about his presentation, however, was more unanimous: all five-eights and five-nines. And that meant—

“You’re tied!” Maya gasped. “You and Tatsuya-kun are tied for first!”

Jun was in disbelief. Even despite their event history almost completely overlapping, he’d never once tied with Tatsuya—it was an outcome he’d never even considered.

“Simply amazing performances from Suou-san and Kurosu-san today!” Jun could hear the commentators chattering excitedly from their booth. “What an exciting reminder what a little rivalry can push us to achieve!”

“My thoughts exactly! But what will tomorrow hold, I wonder? Could the unconventional Suou-san take home the crown in a surprise upset? He really seems like a different person compared to last season—I think there's a great chance he could pull it off!”

“Not if Kurosu-san has anything to do with it, though!”

Jun sighed. He would’ve been quite pleased to tie with Tatsuya only a few years ago, but today it only left him with a tight feeling in his shoulders.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes About My Song Selections  
> *What I Did For Love - A Chorus Line  
> A Chorus Line is a musical about the varied lives of a group of dancers auditioning to be part of a chorus line. The musical explores many of the harsh realities of what it means to be a dancer, much of which can also be applied to figure skating. What I Did For Love is a song that comes after one of the dancers experiences a career-ending knee injury. The rest of the group grows somber as they consider together why they dance and decide that it’s for love.
> 
> *Written In The Stars - Aida  
> Aida is another musical, based on an earlier opera about two star-crossed lovers: Aida, the captured Nubian princess, and Radames, the captain of the Egyptian army. The story ends with the couple being sealed into a tomb to die but meeting again in another life. I thought the lyrics to this song were very fitting, while the musical’s love triangle and the Egyptian setting befitting Joker/Nyarlathotep were bonuses.


	2. Chapter 2

As an introvert, by far the worst thing about competition would always be the cameras, interviews and autograph sessions that came afterwards. By the time Jun’s parents found him in the crowded entrance hall, he was already quite tired of all the smiling and waving and posing for pictures.

“Jun, there you are!”

Jun’s mother walked right up to him with one of her rarely offered smiles of satisfaction. Jun’s father beamed from behind her.

“You were fantastic today, Jun! And guess who sat with us to watch you skate?” Jun’s father gave a playfully dramatic gesture at the boy standing beside him. “Mishina-kun!”

“Dad, you’re supposed to call him Michel now,” Jun reminded him.

Eikichi really didn’t need an introduction anyway—it’s not like anyone could’ve mistaken a towering high schooler with bright blue hair for someone else.

“It’s okay,” Eikichi said amicably. “Anyways—yo, Jun! Guess I won’t be hearing my music ‘til tomorrow, then?”

“Yes, the free skates are tomorrow, not today.”

“Gotcha, gotcha. You were really awesome out there, though—if I was one of the judges, I would’ve said you earned some tens!”

Jun frowned at him. 

“Uh—you know the marks are out of six, right?”

“Dude, I know, I’m joking.”

“Oh! Well, I appreciate the compliment, but...”

“See?” Maya cut in, smiling. “Even Michel-kun knows you did well today, especially given all the pressure.” 

“Although he would’ve scored even higher,” Jun’s mother added pointedly, “if not for that under-rotated quad.” 

“Now, now,” scolded Jun’s father. “Can’t we celebrate his successes _before_ we start with the criticisms?”

“Yo, Tacchan!” Eikichi mercifully interrupted them at the top of his voice. “You did great too, man!”

Tatsuya and his family were apparently close by, but only Eikichi had been able to see them over the sea of heads. He beckoned for the group of four to come join them.

“Hey Michel,” said Tatsuya. He sounded tired. “Thanks.”

“It’s no problem. Sup, dude?”

Eikichi threw up that horn gesture with his hand and Tatsuya returned it.

“Sup.”

“Sup with the rest of you, other Suous?”

 _“Excuse me?”_ Katsuya said.

“Tatsuya,” Jun cut in quickly, “have you run into Lisa yet? I could hear her cheering for you in the audience but I haven’t actually seen her.”

Eikichi’s eyes lit up. “Whoa, Ginko’s here?”

“I saw her a few minutes ago,” said Tatsuya. “She told me she was sorry she didn’t come see us this morning when she arrived but her manager’s apparently got her on a tight leash.”

“Well that sucks.”

“Yeah, supposedly the deal was that she could only come if she was with her group and they made it into this whole publicity thing. Then just a minute ago she ended up getting pulled away by some fans who butted in.” 

_“Ugh,”_ Eikichi groaned. “That _really_ sucks. Guess you can’t just blow people off when you’ve got an image to maintain, huh?”

“Pretty much.”

"Tatsuya Suou-san, Jun Kurosu-san, great timing! Are you two free for a quick interview?”

And now a reporter and her crew from Fukuoka City’s local news station had come to bother them. Tatsuya pretended to smile in case the cameras were already rolling, but Jun knew he didn’t like interacting with strangers any more than he did.

“I don’t see why not,” said Tatsuya.

“Excellent, thank you very much! Just to be clear, Suou-san—would you be willing to discuss Anna Yoshizaka and your relationship with her? Is she here today, by the way?”

Tatsuya’s smile faltered before he pasted it on again.

“No, she told me she’d be watching from home. But I’d be happy to, uh… maybe quell some rumors?”

“Good, good. And Kurosu-san, would you be willing to comment on the situation as well?” 

Jun inhaled.

“Sure.”

“Fantastic! Then we’ll be on in just a couple minutes.”

“Can I join?” Eikichi inquired hopefully. The reporter only spared him a dismissive glance while the rest of the crew prepared their equipment. Eikichi sulked and moved himself out of frame.

“Woooow. And these people call themselves professionals?”

For the second time that day, Jun recognized Lisa’s voice without actually seeing her. She approached them grumpily, accompanied by fellow idols Mami and Miho.

“Not now, Ginko,” Tatsuya muttered at her.

“You’re still calling me that when I’m about to do you a big favor?”

“One minute!”

“Hey, reporter lady.” Lisa grabbed the microphone that Tatsuya had been about to take. ”How about you leave my friends’ private stuff alone and do an interview with the ever-popular Lisa Silverman instead?”

“Wait—you’re Lisa-chan?” The reporter was taken aback. “I mean—I suppose we could, but…”

“This is your chance to escape,” Lisa said, nodding first at Tatsuya and then at Jun. “I’ll take care of it, I promise.”

“Are you sure?”

“Of course. We’ll still meet up for dinner later—now go!”

No one needed further convincing. They were all out of sight before the camera went live.

“Nei hou and Merry Christmas Eve, Japan! This is Lisa Silverman, of the Muses, here at the Japan Figure Skating Championships! Tatsuya Suou-san and Jun Kurosu-san are some good friends of mine, so even if you couldn’t make it out today, please cheer them on from home, okay? Sheba, Mee-ho, is there anything you’d like to add…?”

Everyone gathered together that evening at an overwhelmed yakiniku restaurant near the ice arena. It was fine that their food was taking a while, though—Jun was sharing a booth with his friends and was glad to have the chance to catch up.

“So is Miyabi not here with you?” Tatsuya asked.

“Nah.” Eikichi was fiddling with the rings on his fingers. “She wanted to watch from home since she’s got exams to study for. Can’t say I blame her, especially considering all the cost involved in getting here.”

“That’s sweet that you came and all,” said Lisa, “but what about your exams, Eikichi?” 

“What about ‘em? I’ll be fine as long as I graduate.”

“Oh?” Jun was surprised. “Does that mean you decided against going to college?”

“Yeah, I guess I did. I mean, as much as I’d like to be educated and shit, at this point I don’t think that it’ll do me much good. I’d rather spend more time with the band before Pops gets ready to retire, y’know? Before he turns me into his full-time sushi disciple, I mean.”

“That’s at least a decade away, though,” said Tatsuya.

“Yeah, and ten years from now I figure I’ll be wondering where the time went. That’s just how it goes.”

“Are you sure you don’t want to have a back-up plan though? Anything could happen between now and the rest of your life.”

“I appreciate the concern, but college pretty much locks you down a path in life in its own way, right?”

“I guess so.”

“Then don't sweat it, okay?”

A waiter chose that moment to arrive at their table with several artfully arranged platters of raw meat and vegetables. Everyone laid claim to what they wanted, then Lisa took charge of laying their selections out on the grill.

“What?” Tatsuya had noticed Jun staring intently at the proceedings. “Oh. Ginko, make sure mine’s cooked through this time, okay? I can’t risk feeling ill for tomorrow.”

“That actually wasn’t it.” Jun reached for his water just to have a reason to look away. “Sometimes raw meat just…”

“It is kinda gross,” Eikichi said kindly.  
  
That wasn’t it either, but Jun didn’t know how to explain himself without bringing down the mood.

“Yeah, yeah, human beings are the only animal capable of evil, et cetera.” Lisa turned over a piece of pork belly. “You need to stop worrying too, okay? Everybody needs to eat, Jun.”

“Some people are vegetarians, you know,” Eikichi said, gesturing at himself. There was a distinct lack of meat piled up on his portion of the grill.

“And yet you’re the one taking over a sushi shop because of your family,” Lisa countered. “Might as well give in on that one, Eikichi.”

“What, just because I don’t get a choice means I’m not allowed to have principles?”

Lisa waved her hand.

“Your loss.”

The group had all booked rooms at different hotels, so they said their goodbyes until tomorrow at an entrance to the subway. Jun noticed there was a Christmas display in front of the shops across from the station; he spared a glance at Tatsuya, who would soon be staying the night at one of the cheaper hotels across the river.

“What’s the matter, Jun?” Lisa whispered at him.

Jun shook his head to try and rid himself of his swirling thoughts. Given what she’d said to Eikichi earlier, he doubted that Lisa could understand what was going through his head.

“I’ve been out of it all night, haven’t I?”

“Yeah, kinda. Are you depressed or just nervous?”

“Uh—a combination of both, I guess.”

“You and me both, huh?”

Jun blinked at her, surprised.

“What’s wrong?”

“Just idol stuff,” Lisa sighed. “My manager tried to keep me from coming today unless I agreed to his demands and it’s just... really tiring to be controlled sometimes, you know? I think you’d understand that much.”

It occurred to Jun that maybe Lisa did understand him—and he understood her as well. Jun looked over to see if their parents were listening, but they were too busy chatting with each other while they all waited for the next train.

“Lisa, can I ask you a question? What is it that you plan to do once you retire from being an idol?”

“Hmmm… realistically? Whatever gigs I can get, I guess.”

“What do you _want_ to do, then?”

“What do _I_ want? Well, I was actually thinking about trying to go solo sooner rather than later. My manager seems to think we could make it happen, especially if I play up the quirky foreigner angle, but you know how I feel about that. But it’s not like I can ever escape it either, you know? So I might as well make it my thing.”

Jun sighed in sympathy.

“What about Miho and Mami? Do you ever talk about these things together?”

“We have, but and it turned out that we were all thinking the same thing. It surprised me—we always tell each other we never could’ve made it on our own, but I guess deep down, we all feel pretty differently.”

Lisa looked at Jun guiltily, perhaps expecting him to call her selfish, but Jun did no such thing. How could he?

“So what’s got _you_ depressed?” asked Lisa. “Worried you might lose tomorrow?”

“Of course I am, but…” Jun twisted his hands. “As much as I’d hate to lose, I’ve also been thinking about what happens if I _win_ , you know? Doesn’t it seem like everyone’s hoping for Tatsuya’s big come-back tomorrow?”

“Oh, don’t say that. You’re not planning to _let_ him win, are you?”

“No, but I’d be lying if I said I thought I _deserve_ to—”

“That’s nonsense,” Lisa said, cutting him off. “You’ve worked really hard for this, Jun. Tatsuya doesn’t deserve it any more than you do, just like I don’t deserve to have a solo career any more than my friends.”

“Right, but…”

“You know what, Jun? I'm sorry to be blunt, but I think you're falling for the same gossip rag crap everyone else is."

"Huh?"

Lisa folded her arms.

"Anna’s accident and what happened to Tatsuya really sucked, I know that, but the way the media’s been framing it isn’t fair. They just want to make sense out of something senseless—so now there’s this underdog story pitting you and Tatsuya against each other. You know that's not reality, but it sounds like it's still gotten into your head.”

“Yeah, maybe.”

“Trust me Jun, this kind of stuff is all part of a formula they have. It happens constantly in the idol world—everything that happens to you, whether it’s career stuff or private stuff, gets sold to the public as part of a story. Your whole life becomes a story before long, and then you yourself start to believe it.”

“Yeah.”

“Anyway, stop telling yourself you’re a bad person for wanting to win, okay?" Lisa started wagging a finger at him. “I know you don't think of the other competitors as doing anything selfish, so stop holding yourself to a different standard. Just do your best, and whatever happens, happens."

One corner of Jun’s mouth turned up.

“I appreciate what you're telling me, Lisa, but I bet even you'd prefer that Tatsuya won, right?"

Lisa rolled her eyes at him.

“I’m not so worried. Even if Chinyan takes second place, he’ll still be number one in my heart.”

Jun let out a sound that was half laugh and half sigh. If only he too could be so certain of what mattered to him most.

“As for our next topic, who else tuned in to watch the figure skating championships today? Weren’t those performances something?”

“They absolutely were! You know I never used to watch in the past, but I finally started this year after Yoshizaka-san's accident. Even not knowing much about the sport, the drama has been surprisingly interesting!”

“Oh, definitely! I was so stunned when Suou-san and Kurosu-san tied, weren’t you?”

“I sure was! I’m so glad the cameras were zoomed in on that moment—the looks on their faces were incredible!”

“They both shook hands afterwards, but you could just tell how they really felt, right? Maybe it was just my imagination, but Kurosu-san in particular seemed like he was _steaming_ —talk about ‘if looks could kill’!”

“You’d think he could muster a little sympathy after all that misfortune last year, but that’s national champion material for you!”

“You know, you may not remember this if you just got invested recently, but those two boys used to be just so precious together. It's too bad they had to grow up eventually, don’t you think?”

“Oh, I agree, it’s just terrible how reality sets in sometimes. You know, I’ve even heard speculation recently that their ‘friendship’ these days is just an _act_ for the cameras! Isn’t that just so sad?”

“Oh no, that’s just awful!”

Jun finished spitting out his toothpaste and rounded the corner so he could turn the television off. He’d never understand how these people could live with themselves, variety show hosts or otherwise, for constantly spreading gossip while passing it off as news.

Suddenly Jun’s cell phone started ringing from the nightstand. He could only think of one person who might call him so late—Maya and his parents would have wanted him in bed already—so he rushed over before it could stop.

“Tatsuya?”

“Oh—hi, Jun. Did you just have a feeling it was me?”

“More or less.” He’d also deeply wanted it to be Tatsuya, but that part was too embarrassing to admit. “So why are you calling? It wasn’t because of something on television just now, was it?”

“No? What’d they say, something about us?”

“I’d tell you, but I think you’re better off not knowing.”

“Oh. Well, I bet I can guess what they said anyways.” There was an awkward pause. “I’m sorry, Jun, I don’t know how to put this. I’m actually—okay, call me pathetic if you want, but I’m really freaking out and I can’t sleep."

"You are?"

"Yeah. I tried walking around a bit, I tried turning on music, I tried sitting in the bath until I was one giant prune, but…”

This must have been serious. Who knew if Tatsuya would ever be a national champion, but when it came to the art of falling asleep at a moment’s notice, he’d already won gold.

“I’m sorry to bother you,” Tatsuya said. He really sounded it. “I just didn’t know what else to do about this besides...” 

“So you just wanted to talk?”

“Yes, please.”

“You don’t have to ask permission to talk to me. You can do that any time you want.”

“But I’m keeping you up though, aren’t I?”

Jun looked at the time on the clock radio in front of him. It was about eight-fifty.

“It’s alright, I’m nowhere close to falling asleep myself. Actually…”

“What?”

“Nevermind. I was about to suggest something but it’d be irresponsible. You’d get in trouble for sure.”

“Trouble?”

There was a change in Tatsuya’s voice that made Jun imagine him leaning into his phone. How predictable.

“And _I’d_ get in trouble too, I might add.”

“Now I’m intrigued.”

“I know you are.” Jun glanced at the time again like it might convince him not to say anything. “Do you think it would help if you just… came to stay with me tonight?”

There was silence on the other end of the line.

“You don’t have to if you don’t want to,” Jun said quickly. “And like I tried to say, your parents would—”

“Honestly? I think I’d prefer my parents going ballistic compared to zero sleep. As long as I leave them a note I don’t think they’ll call the cops, at least.”

“Wait—so you want to come?”

“Anything to get out of here.”

“Okay. If you’re gonna do this, just don’t make yourself look suspicious, okay? You might get thrown out if the staff realizes you’re not supposed to be here. Or we might _both_ get thrown out.”

“I'm not worried—I think we could still find another place to stay if that happened. We could even run away into the night if we really wanted to.”

“How romantic.”

“I know, right? Anyway, I’ll try to hurry, but don’t expect me to show up any sooner than fifteen minutes from now, okay?”

“Okay.”

“Also, I apologize in advance if—”

“It’s okay, just get going! I’ll see you soon.”

Jun ended the call, set his phone down, then stood there uselessly for a moment before flinging himself onto his bed.

Dammit. This was a bad idea. This was a terrible idea. The more he thought about it, the more Jun questioned how Tatsuya sneaking into his room was supposed to calm anyone down. Jun had been seven years old the last time they’d done something like this—the last time they’d tried ‘running away into the night,’ so to speak—and Jun still vividly remembered all the yelling and bug bites that came the next morning.

Come to think of it, that night had also been the last time Jun had done something so utterly of his own volition. To think that a decade had passed since then was quite the depressing thought.

Jun had only just finished dressing himself in something more than a towel when he heard a quiet knock on the door. He practically ran to go open it.

“Hey there.” Tatsuya had a look about him like his whole body was thrumming with nerves. “I, uh—I’m here, I guess?”

“That you are.” Jun peered cautiously into the hall before opening his door the rest of the way. “I’m surprised you managed to get here so fast.”

“Yeah, me too.”

Jun stood aside to let Tatsuya in. He hesitated after having crossed the threshold.

“I, uh—didn’t expect it to be so swanky in here.”

“I know.” Jun looked around distastefully at his surroundings—the fancy furnishings left so little room for nervous pacing. “I don’t know why, but Mom likes to treat these competitions like we’re away on a luxury vacation.”

“Your mom’s kind of a piece of work, you know that?”

“I know.”

Tatsuya stripped himself of his bag, his shoes and his jacket, then looked around for a place to put them all.

“There’s a closet over here,” said Jun.

“Right.” Tatsuya put his things away, then became distracted by the mountain of gifts that Jun was storing over in the corner. “You’ve started another bouquet collection, I see.”

“They always go overboard.” Jun sighed. “I know I ought to be grateful, but it’s just…a lot. Plus the petals get everywhere.”

“I know what you mean. I always feel bad having to throw mine away once they’ve wilted, too.”

“I’ve thought about clarifying that I prefer live flowers, but then where would I keep them all, you know? I guess I could start giving them away, but…”

Jun shook his head, realizing he was complaining about the inconveniences of a life that most people would probably kill to have. He decided to stop and make at least a token effort to tidy his gifts. 

“Anyway—was there something in particular making it so you can’t sleep, Tatsuya?”

Jun turned around after hearing a soft thump. Tatsuya had let himself fall backwards onto Jun's bed, arms and legs spread like a starfish.

“This bed’s even comfier than it looks.”

Jun sighed. He wondered how close Tatsuya was to wilting himself.

“So,” Tatsuya began. “Anna called me tonight.”

“She did?”

“Yeah. We chatted for a while, and then she said she wished me good luck tomorrow, even if I didn’t win.” Tatsuya frowned at the ceiling. “Doesn’t sound like something she’d say, does it?”

Jun shook his head. That didn’t sound like the old Anna at all.

“She’s been really concerning me lately,” Tatsuya continued. “Here I was thinking she was recovering, but now she keeps talking about her career being over like it’s a good thing. Like it made her _happy._ ”

Jun swallowed.

“It’s a lot of pressure off her shoulders, to be fair.”

“That’s what I thought too at first, but it’s more like she seems to think her accident opened her eyes to the truth or something. Like it doesn't matter if I win or lose because it was all meaningless anyway, you know? Like all of us skaters are just living for the sake of a delusion.”

Tatsuya gave a despairing sound and flopped over.

“I’m sorry, I know this is heavy stuff to talk about right in the middle of competition.”

“It’s okay.”

Jun didn’t know what else to do with himself, so he walked over to the bed and sat down right at Tatsuya’s hip. They both remained silent for a while.

“Well,” Tatsuya sighed, “even if Anna doesn’t care anymore, I know that there’s a lot of people who still do. Especially my family—my parents put themselves in debt to get me here, and I know my brother wants me to succeed in his stead. So…”

“What about skating for _yourself,_ Tatsuya?”

“I still love skating, don’t get me wrong.” Tatsuya kept his gaze firmly focused on the window—or rather, the closed window curtains. “It’s just that I’ve realized I can’t bare to disappoint everyone again. Not after everything they’ve done for me.”

“Tatsuya...”

“Sorry, but it’s true. And I know it sounds ridiculous to feel trapped by something you love, but that’s just how it is. There’s times when I hate it because of that, and that’s when I start thinking about Anna’s accident even more."

"What do you mean?"

Tatsuya hesitates.

“Sometimes I think about something terrible happening to me, too. Like getting hit by another car, or falling off a cliff or something. The truth is, if something like that could happen—if I just couldn't skate anymore, and it wouldn't make things worse for my family, or cause me a lot of pain…”

“You wouldn’t mind?”

“I wouldn’t mind.”

Jun wasn’t surprised to hear it, but his breath caught anyway.

“Sorry,” Tatsuya apologized again. “It all goes back to wishing I had the choice to stop, you know? But it’s not as if there’s something else I’d rather be doing—I’ve never even had the chance to find out what that thing might be.”

“I know.” Jun thought about his parents, the Kurosu family, and the entire lineage of pro-skaters he came from. “I never really got to choose anything either, and it was the same people who support me that put me in this position.”

Tatsuya responded with silence.

“Do you resent them?” Jun asked.

“Who, the people who support me? That would include you, you know.”

Jun nodded.

“You’re allowed to resent me, if that’s how you feel.”

Tatsuya turn over again. Judging by the expression on his face, he clearly hadn’t expected permission to do such a thing.

“Well, if I’m being honest…” Tatsuya picked at a loose thread on the comforter. “I might not have stuck with skating for very long if it weren’t for you.”

“I would have,” Jun sighed. “Even if I didn’t want to skate, my mother would’ve made me.”

“See? I've got no right to complain.”

“Of course you’ve got a right to complain.”

“That's not what I meant. I meant that unlike you, I never had to take it this far. And… maybe I’m not even as trapped and I think I am, you know?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean maybe I’m just stuck here because I’m afraid of the alternative. Like, if it weren’t for everyone’s expectations, and my whole identity and self-worth being tangled up in this, then wouldn’t I have to start deciding things for myself? That’s scary in its own way.”

“I guess so.”

“And then there’s another thing I’ve thought about.” Tatsuya hesitated again. “If I give up skating, couldn’t I at least spend more time with you?”

Jun supposed he ought to feel touched, but he was just frustrated instead.

“Not a lot more time, mind you. I’d still be stuck in training myself.”

“Then I could come to the rink to cheer you on or something. I could be your biggest fan.”

“But I don’t _want_ you as my biggest fan.” Jun was quite adamant about this. “You may not realize it, Tatsuya, but you being here has made me be able to push myself further than I think ever could’ve gone on my own.”

“Well then that’s another reason why I’m stuck.” Tatsuya made an exasperated noise. “See? It’s hopeless because there’s no real solution. That’s why I don’t share these thoughts with anybody.”

“But today you did.”

“I guess.” Tatsuya sighed. “Again, I’m sorry if all I’ve done is depress you tonight.”

“It’s alright. I think this just goes to show how much we need each other.” Jun looked away sheepishly upon realizing what he'd said. “Uh—in a manner of speaking, I mean.”

Tatsuya laughed.

“I guess the bright side is getting to be together clear until retirement, right?”

“Looks like it. Though I was hoping you’d still want my company even afterwards.”

“Of course I will. We can get hip replacement surgery together, and all the other things retired skaters do.”

Jun choked a little. He let himself lie down next to Tatsuya and tuck his head against his shoulder.

“Tatsuya.”

“What?”

“Is it my turn to talk yet?”

“If you think it’ll help.”

Jun inhaled and reached out for Tatsuya’s hand, lacing their fingers together.

“First of all—I understand what you’re feeling right now, because I’ve thinking a lot of the same things. Well... maybe just not the getting hit by a car part, because someday I still want to feel that all of this was worth it. Even if that victory is all in my head.”

“I get that.”

“But the problem is—I mean, I know this is going to make me sound really soft, but it’s taken a long time to realize that if I want to be on top, I can’t actually take you with me.”

Tatsuya’s expression became unreadable.

“It’s been my dream since I was a kid to be the best in Japan,” Jun continued. “But back then, I guess I didn’t understand that winning means having to beat everybody else. It’s like... I kind of thought that because everybody _could_ make it, everybody did.”

“Yeah.”

“And Anna’s accident didn’t just affect you, you know. Regardless of what the truth is—”

“You mean about the rumors?”

“Not just the rumors. I mean how everyone seems to think your win to tomorrow would be a happy ending to everything, so that's what should happen.”

“That’s not how it works.”

“I know, but I think people still prefer their stories."

Tatsuya squeezed Jun’s hand.

“It’d be nice if we could control tomorrow’s outcome at least, wouldn’t it? I mean, what if we both choke and _Honda_ takes gold?”

“Please don’t say that.”

“I regret saying it already. Anyway—your sympathy is noted, but there’s not much we can do about a competition being a competition. Someone has to lose, one way or another.”

Jun sighed.

“Too bad we can’t just overthrow the JSF and declare everyone a winner, don’t you think?”

“It’s a bit late in the season for revolution, I think,” Tatsuya yawned. “Unless we set fire to the arena in the morning?”

“There’s a plan.”

Tatsuya forced a smile, then looked away.

“Jun?”

“Yes?”

“I’m glad you convinced me to come over tonight. The part where I got to hold your hand was nice.”

“Do you feel sleepy yet? Or calmer, at least?”

“Yeah, that’s why I was thanking you. So—were you gonna have me sleep on the sofa, or…?”

“I don’t mind you sleeping next to me,” said Jun. It was embarrassing to say, so he sat up like he had somewhere else to be. “I’m not exactly worried about cooties.”

Tatsuya observed him silently for a moment. He was still holding Jun’s hand.

“Do you remember the last time we did something like this?”

“Of course I do. It was a long time ago now, though.”

“It was, but it’s still one of my favorite memories.”

Jun pressed his lips together.

“You remember what we promised each other back then, right?”

“Of course.”

“Then…” Jun took Tatsuya’s other hand so that he was holding both. He took a deep breath. “Tatsuya, if you're still considering quitting, just tell me, okay?”

“Okay.”

“And if you decide to go through with it, I’ll quit too.”

Tatsuya’s eyes went wide.

“Don’t you dare.”

“It's what we promised.”

“No it wasn’t. We promised to stick together, not commit career suicide together."

"Then don't quit.”

Tatsuya opened his mouth before slowly closing it. He settled on a disgruntled look.

“Fine. But it goes both ways, you know. If you quit, I quit."

Jun’s mouth wobbled.

“Okay."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes on Figure Skating in the Late 90s
> 
> *Figure skating was scored differently in the past compared to now. Under the 6.0 system, multiple judges scored programs on a scale of 0.0 to 6.0. In 2004, this was replaced by the ISU Figure Skating system where program elements have set point values, theoretically making the scoring process more objective.  
> *There also used to be a rule against vocals in figure skating music which has since been lifted. Therefore, all music in this fic is instrumental and any lyrics are just being imagined.  
> *Competitive standards creep upwards in sports over time. You may be surprised by the “low” technical difficulty you see in this fic but for example quads were still something special as of 1999, even among world champions.  
> *The 1998-99 Japan Figure Skating Championships were indeed held in Yokohama, the real life version of Sumaru (from January 15th to the 17th, 1999).


End file.
